Peter's Twittclass



  Peter’s Twittclass

  Peter Barns

  Copyright 2012 Peter Barns

  This novel is a work of fiction. The names, characters and events portrayed are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  To Sheree Sartain

  for all her patience

  Contents

  Twittclass 01

  Twittclass 02

  Twittclass 03

  Twittclass 04

  Twittclass 05

  Twittclass 06

  Twittclass 07

  Twittclass 08

  Twittclass 09

  Twittclass 10

  Twittclass 11

  Twittclass 12

  Twittclass 13

  Twittclass 14

  Twittclass 15

  Twittclass 16

  Twittclass 17

  Twittclass 18

  Twittclass 19

  Twittclass 20

  Twittclass 21

  Twittclass 22

  Twittclass 23

  Twittclass 24

  Twittclass 25

  Twittclass 26

  Twittclass 27

  Twittclass 28

  Twittclass 29

  Twittclass 30

  About the Author

  Twittclass 01

  “When you start shaving with toothpaste you know its time to visit the optician.”

  Peter Barns June 2010

  Charlie was the tightest man

  He’d never spend a cent.

  He’d scrimp and save

  And go without.

  Not even pay his rent.

  His wife, frustrated, said to him,

  “Now Charlie this must stop.

  You’re now so blind

  That you can’t see.

  Go down the glasses shop.”

  But Charlie didn’t think he was,

  And money would not waste.

  Until one day

  He washed himself

  Then shaved with his toothpaste.

  Back to top

  Twittclass 02

  “If you mend your specs with super glue, make sure they’re dry BEFORE placing them on your head.”

  Sheree Sartain June 2012

  Giles was not a patient man,

  Always dashing here and there,

  So when he glued his glasses up,

  He stuck them to his stringy hair.

  Giles tugged and tugged to no avail,

  Using words I won’t disclose,

  The stupid glasses would not budge,

  Stayed firmly stuck upon his nose.

  Back to top

  Twittclass 03

  “Don’t pick your nose with a pencil, people will try to look up it to see what you’ve drawn.”

  Peter Barns June 2011

  Peter was a dirty boy,

  who picked and picked his nose.

  Picked away so very much,

  he nearly reached his toes.

  Back to top

  Twittclass 04

  “Never paint your toenails with a 2” paint brush.”

  Peter Barns August 2011

  Wendy, always in a rush,

  Did her nails with a 2” brush.

  Now she’s looking oh so sad,

  Because her toes look oh so bad.

  Back to top

  Twittclass 05

  “Shower with your pants and socks on and save wear and tear on the washing machine.”

  Peter Barns September 2011

  Stanley was a lazy lad,

  Slightly thick and rather sad.

  So when his mother told him, “Go,

  Wash you’re clothes and don’t forgo,

  The elbow grease for when you scrub.

  Go now and do it in the tub.”

  But Stanley didn’t want to scour,

  Stood instead beneath the shower.

  Then hung his body out to dry,

  Beneath a blue and sunny sky.

  When dried at last, was in a funk,

  Poor Stanley found that he had shrunk.

  Back to top

  Twittclass 06

  “No matter what she says, don’t be fooled into putting your balls in the tumble dryer.”

  Peter Barns October 2011

  “Oh doctor,” said poor Reggie Cryer,

  “I got my balls caught in the dryer.

  Now they’re really black and blue.

  Please tell me doc, what should I do?”

  “Well Reggie,” answered Dr Flum,

  Looking sad and rather glum,

  “This really is all new to me,

  I’ve never spun my balls you see.”

  Then in a voice, extremely posh

  Said, “Reggie lad, next time you wash,

  It may be best to use some pegs,

  And keep your balls between your legs.”

  Back to top

  Twittclass 07

  “Never upset Sheree Sartain when she’s whipping cream!”

  Peter Barns November 2011

  Now Sheree is a lovely girl,

  I tell you, I don’t joke.

  But when she has her temper up,

  My eye she’s prone to poke.

  The other day I said to her,

  “My dear, I had a dream.

  It really was a pleasant one.

  If o’er a tad extreme.”

  She looked askance as I confessed

  My love for fluffy cream:

  “Oh it’s the best, rubbed on my chest, ,

  From a pot of Plasticine.”

  But dream or no, my big mistake,

  Was telling her - of course.

  For now we’re parted. She has gone

  And got a quick divorce.

  Back to top

  Twittclass 08

  “Never stand on a high wall when you’re cutting your toenails.”

  Peter Barns December 2011

  Dim Dim Rumpty stood on a wall

  Dim Dim Rumpty had a great fall

  ‘cause Dim Dim Rumpty

  He never fails

  To stand on that wall while cutting his nails

  Back to top

  Twittclass 09

  “Never pick your nose if you have a fork in your hand.”

  Peter Barns January 2012

  While eating lunch,

  Or maybe brunch,

  My fork help rather high.

  If I picked my nose,

  Do you suppose,

  I’d stab it in my eye?

  Back to top

  Twittclass 10

  “Never try removing your bum hair with a lighter.”

  Peter Barns February 2012